Discarded Lines. Retained Emotions
In my latest standup special ‘Spoiler Alert’, I do a bit about friendships. It’s one of my favorite bit because a lot of truth is masked in those jokes.
While writing that bit, a bunch of lines didn’t quite make the cut in the final version. I love them, but editing jokes is a brutal process and I had to let them go. Now I don’t know what to do with them!
It’s a cloudy saturday morning, I’m sipping coffee in my fav coffee shop - what the hell - I’ll just share them here.😬
If you find any of these funny, interesting, or they resonate with you, please drop a comment. I might consider bringing them back in the show. 😊
Here we go…………….
In friendship, I am like a low maintenance bike….but if you take me for a ride, we are not completing the journey!
If I am upset with you, I will make sure you know I am upset with you:
I’ll go to the park where you go for morning walk, come from the opposite direction & ignore you.
I will block you on instagram, then unblock you, follow you again and then block you again.
If I get upset with people I love. They have to know. I need to know that they know. Then I wait to see what they will do about my hurt. My sense of relationship comes from what you do when we fight. I have seen mostly people dont give a shit.
I am the nicest guy who has no friends.
After I die, all of you would be like ‘what a legend!’ He was way ahead of his time. But none of you will be like, ‘he had a lot of friends’.
I’m not a bad person. But I’m also not a good person. I don’t do bad things to people. I just don’t do anything.
I would not recommend myself as a friend. I will not betray you, cheat you, fool you or tease you to cover my insecurities but you’ll be under so much pressure!
I am just done with people. The train has left the station. And whoever had to get off has gotten off.
Earlier I was like - They have hurt me. I will take revenge. Hurt them back. I tried. They didn’t even realise I was taking revenge! Woh lage thay mast mutual funds mein invest karne!
Mujhe nahi dena tumhe koi advice. Sunte toh ho nahi! Mein koi google maps hoon - ki tum wrong turn le lo and mein chilata rahoon “Take a u-turn, Take a u-turn” …….fuck off!
Now, I can spend an hour with you and not ask you about your life. I have Zero curiosity in anyone’s life.
Everybody has settled with this version of me. Kisi din meine inko aise hi phone kar diya na - “Just checking, how are you?” Heart attack hi ho jayega inko!
People who are friends with everyone. How is it possible that you like everyone? I understand people need people. You have to have a social circle. But these people? How?
I went to dinner at someone’s house and they had also invited their best friend. The whole evening I kept thinking - How is this person your best friend and not me? Why are you not going for quality? Why have you settled for this?
Theek hai - I am super sensitive. I can’t forgive people. I am complicated. Tumhara kya problem hai? Tum toh normal ho na?
What is this “I am sorry but”? Ye ‘but’ kya hota hai? An apology followed by a but is not an apology, it is manipulation.
Aur ek baar sorry bol ke kahan gayab ho gaye tum? Apology is an act that is unfinished till it is accepted.
What do you think? :)))
Love & hugs
A
Raw, Real, and Unapologetically true.